(no subject)

[eatmoreprotein]

I try really hard not to mope all the way home, but it's sort of a lost cause. I have a box full of handmade cards and little gifts from all the kids, and I kept a stiff upper lip until they were all gone, but now I'm sort of crumbling. I knew it was coming since the day I took the job, but I never realized how hard it would be.

The last day of camp is a total bummer.

When I get back home, I'm staring at my own apartment door for a moment before I remember that the dogs are at Bits' place. More importantly, Bits is at Bits' place. I spent so long dealing with things on my own, but I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to hide what I'm feeling, not from him.

So I turn around on knock on his door, and wow, even my knock sounds miserable.

Comments

[puckandpie]

"It's okay to miss them," I promise him, turning to press a kiss to his temple before he pulls away to set the box on the table and slip his shoes off.

My smile softens when he stretches out on the couch, resting hsi head on my lap and I drop a hand to lightly comb my fingers through his hair. It still boggles me a little that I actually get to do this, just touch him so casually, innocent as it is.

"No, no," I tell him, smoothing my hand down to squeeze the juncture of his neck and shoulder. "Never too busy for you." I fall quiet then for a moment, just petting his shoulder and carding through his hair again before I ask him, "Have you thought about doin' somethin' with the schools this year? Seein' if maybe they need a coach for the middle school or high school? I'm not sure either of them even have a hockey team, but it might be worth lookin' into. You really seemed to love doing it."

[eatmoreprotein]

"I figured that I would have to get another job, but looking at a school didn't even occur to me," I say honestly, furrowing my brow as I twist a little so that I can look up at him. His fingers feel amazing in my hair, like he's siphoning the tension right out of me, and I let out a soft sigh. "You think I could do that? I could turn traitor and coach lacrosse."

My nose wrinkles a bit just saying it, but I do know lacrosse really well. Mostly because I had to prove some jerk wrong when he called it land hockey.

[puckandpie]

Laughing a little, my smile softens when he twists a bit to look up at me. His hair is really soft and I just keep right on petting him, brushing my thumb over his brow when it gets that little crease right between.

"Well, apparently lacrosse is the national sport of Canada," I remind him, showing off the fact that I do actually listen even when he might think I'm just stuck on my phone. "So you wouldn't be too big of a traitor, at least. And we already know you're a great coach so even if it's not your preferred sport, I bet you'd still be good. It might be worth looking into, yeah?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Hey, it's the official summer sport," I remind him, glaring up at him without any heat. "When it's winter, hockey reigns supreme."

I did play lacrosse as a kid, just to keep me fresh between hockey, and I didn't hate it. Still, it might be worth it to coach again. Bits always seems to have a plan, and I tip my head back to give him the first genuine smile of the day. "You're right. It's a good idea."

The idea makes me feel a little better, but I'm still dealing with the aftermath of spending the entire day anxious. My muscles are bunched up, and I twist to stretch out across his lap, stretching out my arms and legs before relaxing across his thighs. "Are you sure that I'm not keeping you from something?"

[puckandpie]

There's always something really nice about gaining Jack's approval, something about him being my captain that's never entirely worn off. So it's impossible not to smile brighter then and I lean down to press a quick kiss to his smiling lips. Just because I can.

"Sometimes I have those," I tell him, grinning as he starts shifting again, sprawling out across my thighs with heavy sigh. I rest my hands over his broad shoulders, petting lightly at first, smoothing up to the back of his neck.

"Just homework," I confess, still petting his hair with my other hand and frowning a bit when I realize just how tense he is. Still. "Nothin' real important yet, I promise. Goodness, you are tense. Is this just from the kids?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"I'm always tense, remember," I murmur. Just being with him relaxes me. His presence is so soothing, and my eyes close slightly as his hands slide down my back. I hum and slide one hand down the front of Bittle's leg, sliding it up and down. "I shouldn't keep you from your homework. I should get up."

But I really, really don't want to move, but I continue to speak even as I curl in against him slightly. "Here I go."

[puckandpie]

"We're gonna need to come up with some relaxation techniques before you end up pulling your back out from stress," I chide him quietly as I rub my hand up and down his back, pausing low on his spine to rub the tense muscles just at the dip there.

When he mentions my homework, I can't help but laugh. "Honey, it can wait. It's only the first week; there's nothin' I'm fallin' behind on, I promise."

That... is probably a little bit of a lie, but what Jack doesn't know won't hurt him. I smirk when he pretends to make like he's getting up, increasing the pressure a bit on the base of his spine. "Anyway, I'd rather be right here than doin' just about anything else anyway."

[eatmoreprotein]

"You're a pretty good relaxation technique," I say with a chuckle, arching up into his touch like an eager cat. My spine dips, ass raising into the air as I let out a pleased groan. "My sore muscles and I are very happy to hear that."

My hand slides down Bits' leg to curl around his ankle, and then I slide my fingers up the back of his calf to the spot spot behind his knee. "That feels really, really good, babe. You could be a masseuse, but I really don't want to share."

[puckandpie]

Jack's hand slides down and then up my leg and that little bit of a touch shouldn't be zinging through me quite the way it is, I know. It's only my leg. I can feel my face going warm and I smooth my hand down is back again, fingers grazing right over his waistband before I give his butt a nice little smack.

"I'd have a better angle at this if you were lyin' down," I tell him, then clarify quickly as I give his shoulder a squeeze with my other hand. "On a bed, I mean."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Is that an offer, mon chou?" I ask with a throaty chuckle, twisting up a little to look at him. "Because say the word, and I'll go lay down right now."

It's a little shameless, but my back really does hurt and hey, I'm never going to say no to a chance to get Bittle's hands on me. It's been a really long day, and I just want to lose myself in my boyfriend. It's still so new and novel, the thought of being able to do that. It's... comforting. It's reassuring, and I'm so, so grateful for it.

[puckandpie]

"Honestly, I can't imagine how it could possibly be more of an offer," I tell him with a smirk before giving his side a light nudge. I could probably shove him right off me if I really wanted to but, while that might be funny, I'd rather not risk breaking my boyfriend. I'd feel terrible!

"C'mon, get moving," I urge him, wiggling the legs he's sprawled across as I playfully poke at his sides. "And don't think this is a freebie. I expect some foot massages come this fall when I have to spend hours on my feet working on some terrible class assignment."

It's an empty thread and I'm sure he knows it. I'll never make Jack do any such thing as nice as a foot massage might sound.

[eatmoreprotein]

"Of course I'll massage your feet," I tell him as I roll off of him and stand up to stretch, giving him a playful smirk. "They're so little. It won't take much time."

I wink at him and head to the bedroom, pulling my shirt off and tossing it aside. Then I wriggle out of my jeans and crawl onto the bed on my boxer briefs, letting out a content sigh as I spread out in the middle of the bed on my belly, crossing my arms under my head and resting my cheek on them, looking at the door and waiting for Bits to follow.

[puckandpie]

"They're not that small!" I insist, giving his hip a firm swat as he pushes up to his feet. "And even small things can feel a lot of pain -- you'd better start working on those thumb muscles, mister."

Of course, the entire argument is playful and I can't help but grin when Jack starts heading for his bedroom, stripping his shirt off before he's barely past the door. And that's a sight I'll never get tired of. Quickly, I get to my feet and hurry into the kitchen to put the cupcake mix in the fridge. It'll be better for the batter to chill anyway and I quickly wash off my hands and head down after Jack.

And stop short when I find him stripped down to nothing but his boxers.

"My, I never said it'd be that kind of massage," I tell him, but I'm grinning all the same as I climb onto the mattress beside him, resting a hand on his warm back. "You sure look comfortable, though. You gonna fall asleep on me?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"I hope not," I murmur, sighing happily when Bits touches me. "I want to stay awake so that I can repay you for the massage."

We're both getting a little bolder when it comes to sex, a little less nervous to talk about what we want. We still haven't-- well, gone all the way for lack of a better term. I think I'm ready. Well, no. I won't be ready until Bits is ready, because I'd never want to do it if he wasn't just as on board.

It's the one thing that I'm still not quite sure how to bring up, but for now I'll just enjoy this. Bits' touch feels like a gift and every time, and one that I definitely do not plan on taking for granted.

[puckandpie]

"There's no expiration date on the repayment, Mr. Zimmermann," I assure him with a quiet laugh, smoothing my hand up his back and giving his shoulder a squeeze before shifting to swing my leg over his hips. It's a much better angle this way, plus, it gives me the excuse of getting to sit right on Jack's perfect behind so I'm all for it.

Smiling a little, I run my hands down his back, kneading gently at the base of his spine and working my way up carefully, leaning forward a bit to press more of my weight against him.

"Tell me if it's too much or if just doesn't feel right, okay?" I tell him because I'm definitely no expert at this at all. In truth, I barely know what I'm doing at all aside from having a nice excuse to put my hands all over him.

[eatmoreprotein]

"Mm, a little harder," I breathe out, relaxing as Bittle's weight settles comfortably on my back. "It feels really good, Bits."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, focusing on his hands as they dig into the sore spots on my back. What also helps me relax is to think about how grateful I am for Bits, and all that he does for me. I really, truly don't know what I would do without him.

"Hey Bits," I drawl out a bit later, accent thick. "Do you think this would have happened eventually back home? Us, I mean."

[puckandpie]

With my hands planted against his back, I try to rub a little harder, digging into the tight muscle there, trying to loosen all those knots. Jack carries so much stress in his shoulders; he's just a solid mass of anxiety under his skin right here. It's impossible to attack broadly so I start honing in on sections at a time, smoothing my hands down his spine to start low.

"Hmm?" I reply before he starts asking, his voice low and clearly comfortable, words tinged with that little bit of Quebecois lilt that's somehow both adorable and really hot.

The question is a little surprising, but it's not like it's not something I haven't wondered myself. "Honestly, I don't know," I tell him, frowning down at my hands as I try to picture it. "I mean, I think... I think probably not, what with you headin' to the NHL and all. It's one thing to be out as a college student on one of the most LGBT-friendly campuses in the country and quite another to be out in a professional sport. And I know how important hockey is to you, I know that's your one true love."

I fall quiet then, just for a moment before shrugging as I smooth my hands up higher. "And you were fittin' to move across the country anyway, weren't you? So even we'd fallen into something like this for awhile, if just a week or two, it's not like we could've kept it up, right?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Oh." It's all that I can really say, brows furrowing as I think about all that he's said. My shoulders draw up again, tensing even under his hands. "I was going to sign with Providence. It was-- closer."

Maybe he's right. Maybe we never would have gotten our shit together. He certainly doesn't seem to think so. I let out a breath and rest my cheek on the pillow, but I can't really let that be the end of it. "I can love more than one thing."

It just seems important that I make that clear. I want him to know that.

[puckandpie]

Providence had been one of a handful of teams Jack had been looking at, I know. I remember that so well now. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't hoped he'd pick that one. But he was just as likely then to pick Seattle or Boston or any number of other cities.

Jack's muscles have gone all knotted up again and I frown down at my hands as I try to work them out again, digging my fingers slowly up his spine.

"I know that," I tell him, my face flushing at that one word. "I'm not-- I don't think you're some kind of robot even if we've joked about that sometimes. It's just. It'd be different there, don't you think? You'd have a career to think about and I'm not naive enough to think you'd be jumping at the chance to come out. So even if were together, well. It wouldn't be like here."

[eatmoreprotein]

"I guess not," I breathe out, unsure of what else to say about the topic. It's not like anything that he's saying is totally wrong, I suppose. There's nothing to refute, but it all still leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

He says that I'm not a robot, and I can only hope that he's being sincere. I've been trying so hard since I got here, trying to be good at more things than just the one. Swallowing hard, I slowly turn over onto my back, reaching out to steady Bittle so that he's sitting across my thighs. "I guess it's a good thing that we're here then."

[puckandpie]

Jack lets out a low, quiet breath, but he's still all knotted up. I try to work some of them out as best I can, but then he's shifting and I move over to give him the room before his hands are on my hips and he's guiding me back to straddle his waist.

"I'm--" I start, then falter a bit, frowning down at my hands where they're rested against his chest. Goodness, he is gorgeous. It's not something I ever forget, but when I'm literally sitting on him like this, with all of him stretched out beneath me, well... it's just a lot more overwhelming.

Guiltily, I lift my gaze to meet his. "It feels selfish to say so," I admit. "I know it's not the sort of life you ever saw for yourself and I'd still-- I'd honestly give anything, even all of this, for you to-- to have that again." I can't quite bring myself to say that I'd wish for him to go home. It's where he belongs, I know that. It's where all his dreams are. And I know it's completely selfish, I really do, but I don't want him to not be here. I don't want to be without him.

[eatmoreprotein]

"Bits, there's nothing to be done," I say gently, sliding my hands up under his shirt to rest against his sides. "I can spend my time pining for something I can't have, or I can glad for what I do have."

It's a mature approach, I think, and one that I'm trying to adhere to. "I'll always miss hockey. Always. But if I get to have you like this, it's a pretty fair trade."

[puckandpie]

I'm fairly sure there's nothing here in Darrow that's at all fair, but I can't deny that Jack's words fill me with warmth all the same. The feel of his warm hands slipping up under my shirt doesn't hurt either.

"Maybe it's selfish to want both, but I kinda do," I admit, grazing my fingers over his pecs and then down the center of his chest. "Can you imagine if we could make it work back home? I bet I'd make a pretty good WAG. And if you did sign with the Falconers, you wouldn't be too far away. I bet there's a bus that goes straight to Providence, even. Might not be impossible."

[eatmoreprotein]

"I'd do whatever I could to make it work," I promise him, getting slightly distracted by the gentle touch of Bittle's fingers. I let out a deep breath and picture some wonderful fantasy world in which I could somehow have my cake and eat it too, sliding my hands further up Bittle's slides and around to his chest. My thumbs drag over the tight buds of his nipples and my brow furrows slightly as a I look up at him. "What's a WAG?"

[puckandpie]

It's a nice thought, I'll admit that. It seems like a dream if I'm completely honest, for Jack to have hockey and me have him. Of course, all that would hinge on me having the guts to say anything, probably and I don't know that I would've.

But it's still nice to think about.

"Wives and girlfriends, silly," I tell him with a grin. "I mean, obviously I'd be neither, but I bet I could make them all like me if I tried hard enough. Free baked goods go a long way." I guess, if nothing else, Carson had been right about that. I guess in some ways, I do manipulate people into liking me.