(no subject)

[eatmoreprotein]

I try really hard not to mope all the way home, but it's sort of a lost cause. I have a box full of handmade cards and little gifts from all the kids, and I kept a stiff upper lip until they were all gone, but now I'm sort of crumbling. I knew it was coming since the day I took the job, but I never realized how hard it would be.

The last day of camp is a total bummer.

When I get back home, I'm staring at my own apartment door for a moment before I remember that the dogs are at Bits' place. More importantly, Bits is at Bits' place. I spent so long dealing with things on my own, but I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to hide what I'm feeling, not from him.

So I turn around on knock on his door, and wow, even my knock sounds miserable.

Comments

[puckandpie]

He smooths his hands up under my shirt, the touch firm enough to not tickle at all before he's pulling my shirt up and off.

"If anything, you made yourself better, mister," I tell him, shivering a little at the touch of his lips against my throat. Turning my head to give him better access, I smooth my hands further down his chest and sides, still just overwhelmed by the fact that I can do this. I get to touch him almost all I want. "Which is saying something because you've always been pretty wonderful."

I pause then, breath catching as he keeps scattering kisses and I can feel my cheeks go pink even as I say, "Do you really think I'm gorgeous?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Of course I do," I reply, just before pressing a kiss to the base of his throat and letting my tongue dip into the hollow there. My own shirt gets removed somewhere along the way, and I let out a soft sigh of pleasure at the feeling of his skin against mine. "Distractingly so. And yes, I know that isn't a real word."

Smirking, I drag my lips up and over his chin to kiss him again. "That's just how gorgeous you are. My English goes right out the window."

[puckandpie]

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that is a word," I argue, though my laugh comes out a little breathy as he kisses a line up to my lips. Of course, I can't go without kissing him back and I hum into his mouth as I slide my hand around to his back, keeping him pressed all along the front of me.

Thing is, it's easy as anything to believe him. I know I'm not nearly the most attractive person in this city or any other, but I don't doubt Jack wants me. He's given me no reason at all to believe otherwise. "Though, I'd argue you're the one being a lot more distracting right now," I add with a wide grin.

[eatmoreprotein]

"Is it? Shit, see?" I laugh against his jaw and then take his lips in a kiss, sliding my hand up the arm that isn't around me and threading our fingers together. I press our joined hands into the bed above Bits' head and kiss the soft skin under his arm, letting my lips skin along the curve of his tricep before pulling back to look at him.

"I'd like to keep distracting you," I tell him in a low rumble of a voice, unable to help the way that my hips roll forward the slightest bit. "In whatever way you choose."

[puckandpie]

Jack lifts my arm, pressing it into the mattress above my head, our hands clasped. He's gentle about it, slow as he brushes a kiss along the soft skin of my arm, just enough pressure not to tickle. He's not really holding me down or anything, but there's the smallest hint of it and it's... with anyone else, it might make me nervous. But it isn't anyone else. It's Jack.

And it feels really really good.

Especially when he rocks his hips forward and I feel just what this is doing to him already. That's still a little dizzying and I can't help the groan that pushes free as I slide my hand lower down his back, trying to encourage him.

"I like this kind," I tell him, dipping my fingertips just inside his waistband. "Maybe, uhm. You know, you're even more distracting when you're naked."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Is that so?" I reply with a grin, kissing his jaw as his hand slides into my underwear. After giving him a playful nip, I sit up and remove the rest of my clothes. Once they're tossed aside, I curl my fingers into the waistband of his sweats and pull them down along with his underwear, letting out a content sigh once the rest of his lean body is revealed to me.

"Gorgeous," I breathe out, leaning down to press a kiss just below his navel. With my eyes locked on his, I drag my tongue slowly up the middle of his stomach and chest, not stopping until I reach his throat. His skin tastes amazing, and I let out a soft moan as I settle down on top of him once more. Our hips line up and I rock forward again, cock stiffening against his hip as I bring our mouths together in a slow, filthy sort of kiss. "Is this distracting enough?"

[puckandpie]

I don't think I'll ever get used to watching Jack undress, to being able to see every bit of him naked. Even if I wasn't already half-way hard, I'd be there now, but I don't move a muscle to remove any of the rest of my own clothing, just delighting in staring at him.

At least until he's leaning over me again, pressing a kiss to my stomach. There's enough pressure not to tickle, but I do laugh, a low, delighted sound as he stretches out on top of me again. I wrap my arms around him as he settles his hips against mine, his cock a hard line against my hip and I don't bother biting back a groan as I arch up against him.

"Mmm," I reply, smoothing my hand over his upper back as I rock upward a little. I can't stop grinning and I lean up just enough to give his bottom lip a light bite. "Honestly, I feel pretty focused right now. Guess you'll have to try harder."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Mm, that so?" I ask with a grin, moaning softly when he bites my lip. I pull back enough to reach up and lick my palm, and then reach down between us to wrap my hand around Bits' cock. Stroking slowly, I keep my eyes locked on his so I can watch the way his face changes as I touch him. "Tu as l'air en forme. Tellement chaud."

His cock stiffens further in my hand and I drag my thumb across the head before sliding my hand down, cupping his balls as I press the tips of my fingers to his hole. "I want to touch you everywhere."

[puckandpie]

"Oh, goodness," I breathe as he wraps his huge hand around me and starts stroking. I drop my head back against the mattress and shift enough to free one leg from beneath him so I can spread a bit. It's the perfect choice as he takes the opportunity to lightly cup my balls, fingertips grazing back just enough to tease along my hole.

Instinctively, I tense a bit, but the touch is good. I don't really want him to stop at all.

"I don't-- don't know what means,"I admit with a quiet laugh, my eyelids fluttering even as I don't look away from him for a moment. "Better not be speakin' dirty in a language I don't even know."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Caught me," I say with a rough chuckle, watching his face. He tenses for a moment and I pause, but then he relaxes and shudders in this overwhelmingly beautiful way. His hole clenches against my fingers and continue to rub in slow circles, lazy and unhurried.

"Maybe I should give you some lessons, eh?" I kiss my way up his throat and then bite lightly at his chin before working my way down his chest, sliding my hand back up around his cock as I dip my tongue into his navel. "Maybe some flashcards."

My mouth waters at the thought of getting my tongue on his cock, but I can't resist teasing him a bit more. "Voulez-vous que je vous suce?"

[puckandpie]

He hasn't pushed his fingers in at all. Not yet. Without lube, it'd probably hurt anyway, but I can't deny I want him there, and he can probably feel it with the way my dick jerks in his hand, his mouth brushing along my belly-button.

"Maybe you should just tell me what you're sayin'," I counter, but there's no real heat in my tone. Mostly because he's already making me dizzy and breathless.

I card my fingers through his hair, tugging lightly as I arch my back and then roll my hips, trying to be encouraging. "Oh, but I know my Christina Aguilera, sweetheart," I add with a low laugh, tipping my head up to grin down at him. "Voulez vous coucher avec moi?"

[eatmoreprotein]

I have no idea who Christa Aguilera is, but I let out a pleased shiver when he calls me sweetheart. Bittle is generous with the pet names, and I'm a little surprised by how much I like them. Moving down further, I drag my tongue along the groove of his hip, but I freeze when I hear those words fall from Bittle's mouth. In French, no less. When did he

"I-- what?" I lift my head to look at him, blue eyes wide as my cheeks heat up. I wasn't expecting this tonight. I mean, I'm never expecting it, obviously. But I do want it. "Oui, I do. I just-- are you sure?"

[puckandpie]

Jack stops suddenly, lifting his head to look up at me, his blue eyes blown dark and cheeks all pink. He looks downright shocked and I can't at all understand why. It's not like Jack and I haven't shared a bed countless times already.

"I mean-- yes?" I reply, grazing my fingers down his temple lightly. "Why is that so surprising? You know I love sharing a bed with you."

Or at least he should by now considering how often it's happened. At this point, it's a wonder if we even pretend to have to separate apartments.

[eatmoreprotein]

"Oh. You meant--" I feel my chest tighten, and the excitement crashes into something like disappointment. I'm not upset if he's not ready. It's just that he's naked in my bed, writhing and flushed pink under me. I'd have to not have a pulse at all if I didn't want to have sex with him. "You meant literally sleep. That's not really the context in which that phrase is usually used."

A laugh spills out of me then, soft and fond. My hand slides up his thigh and I lean in to give him a quick kiss, unable to help chirping him a bit. "Bits, you just asked me if I wanted to sleep with you tonight."

[puckandpie]

There's a flicker then, just a slight dimming of Jack's expression that makes a lot more sense when he starts talking.

Mortified, I feel my cheeks go pink even as he slides to press kiss to my lips, clearly more amused by mistake than truly upset. Though now I can't stop thinking about how quickly he'd responded, how adamant. It's been no secret at all that Jack's way more experienced with all this stuff than I am, that we're both just sort of waiting on me to be comfortable, but I guess I hadn't realized just how much Jack wants that.

"It's a song," I tell him a little weakly, my hands sliding up his arms. "I just thought it was..." I trail off, shaking my head because that's not really what's important here. "You know I want to, right? With you."

[eatmoreprotein]

I can see that he's embarrassed and I don't want him to be, so I kiss his warm cheeks and his chin, the corner of his mouth. When he mentions that it's a song, it triggers some sort of memory in the back of my brain, a fractured melody that I can't quite put together.

When he speaks again, my eyes flutter open and I pull back to look at him, smiling softly as I nod. I reach up to push his hair back, thumbing at his temple. "I know, Bits. I want to with you, too. But only when you're really ready. First times are a big deal."

And I want his to be better than mine. Not that it was awful, but-- it could have been better.

[puckandpie]

As long as I've spent in locker rooms over the years, I've heard all kinds of boy talk. Not so much at Samwell where Shitty was always around to snap at guys who got too close to sexist, but still. I know how some guys view sex. I know how I view sex.

There isn't a single part of me that doubts Jack means what he says is the thing. It's been months since we started officially dating and he's been nothing but wonderful the whole time. And patient.

That's probably the biggest turn on of all.

"Do you remember yours?" I ask him, brushing my fingers down the curve of his jaw and neck. He's still laying over me, a heavy, comfortable weight as I let out a low breath. "Was it good?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"I remember," I say quietly. It feels a little awkward to talk about it when we're wrapped up like this, but I'm not going to dodge the question. "It was okay. It wasn't anything special, really. Just a girl I met after joining the Q."

Her name was Katie, and I remember Kent giving me a thumbs up as I took her upstairs during a party. I remember feeling a little weird about it, and the shock I felt at realizing I would have probably rather gone upstairs with Kent.

I did, later. But Katie was the first.

"She was nice, and it was good. But it wasn't anything special," I tell him with a self-conscious shrug. "I wish I would have waited for it to be special."

[puckandpie]

Some part of me wonders if I should feel jealous, if it should bother me that Jack's been with anyone else like he has been with me. Maybe it's because he's older or because he's had so many different experiences than I have, but I'm not, really. And I'm not surprised either. I'd honestly be more surprised if I found out he hadn't done anything with anyone ever.

Then again, maybe there's stuff he hasn't done still.

"Have you, uhm... has it always only been girls?" I ask then because I can't help wondering about Kent Parson, about what I'd overheard in the hall at the Epikegster. It's hard not to feel awkward about all this. It feels like a conversation we should've had earlier, but it feels right in this moment. Maybe we've just been building up to it. "Before now, I mean."

[eatmoreprotein]

The question doesn't really surprise me. It was inevitable, really. I roll to the side, stretching out alongside him and placing my hand on his stomach as I use the other to prop up my head so that I can look at him.

"There was just one guy," I tell him, swallowing hard. And then I continue, because I feel like I should. Bittle deserves the whole story. "It was Kent, back when we were in the Q."

[puckandpie]

It's not surprising, though I still feel like maybe I should be jealous, but if anything, I'm relieved. Partially because Jack trusts me enough to tell me this, but also because it's... well. Jack's never once really made me feel like I'm some sort of experiment or anything, but I've caught myself worried once or twice that it might be subconscious. Or that he's only attracted to me because he knows me better than he knows anyone else here, that it's just because he's comfortable with me.

But knowing he's been with another boy helps that somehow. It might be silly, but. Well. There it is.

Even if it is Kent Parson.

My eyes don't leave his, but I drop a hand to rest it over his where he has it on my stomach, giving a light squeeze. "Did you love him?"

[eatmoreprotein]

I'm not sure how Bits is going to take it, but I'm relieved when he doesn't seem to react badly. His hand goes over mine and I turn it over, threading our fingers together. The question makes me pause, brows furrowing a bit as I think about it.

The thing with Kent is such a jumbled up mess, and whatever it was going to be was cut short by my overdose. Swallowing hard, I shake my head a little and look up at his face. "I cared about him, and maybe things would have been different if--" A sigh escapes me and I shake my head again, bringing our joined hands up to kiss Bits' knuckles. "But no, I don't think it was love. It didn't feel like this."

[puckandpie]

He doesn't have to finish that thought for me to know what he's talking about. It's not a topic we've ever really discussed in full if only because I know it's still hard for Jack a lot of the time. He's leagues better now than he ever was before, I'm sure of that much. But there's no reason to ever make him relive any of that just to calm my curiosity.

But Jack keeps talking and I feel my heart flutter again. We haven't talked about that either. That one word. I've thought about it tons of times, but I've been too scared to say it out loud, but now... that sounds an awful lot like Jack might be thinking about it, too.

"No?" I ask, staring at where his lips are pressed against my knuckles. My voice feels a little shaky. "What's this then? How is it different?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Me and Kent-- I don't know. In some ways we worked, and in some ways we were kind of a mess," I tell him, brow furrowing slightly. "He was a good friend, but it just--"

It's times like these that I wish that I was a little better with words. I did really care about Kent, but it was so far from how I feel about Bittle now. The two can't even be compared. I search and search for the way to put how I'm feeling to words, and I finally settle on something simple, but undeniably true.

"Because I love you," I tell him, heart pounding against my chest as I watch for his reaction. "And I've never felt like this before."

[puckandpie]

Goodness, this boy.

Jack's eyes are huge and locked on mine. He looks about as nervous as I feel, unsure, and scared in a way I've only seen a couple times. It's not like how he looks when he has an episode, it's nothing like that.

"Oh, Jack," I breathe finally, pushing the words past the lump in my throat as I drop his hand so I can roll up enough to push in close, cupping his face with one hand as I press a kiss to his lips. Compared to all the kisses we've shared in the past few months, this one's pretty chaste, but it's insistent, every emotion under my chest just welling up and threatening to spill on over as I pull away just enough to whisper against his lips, "I love you too, Jack Laurent Zimmermann."