(no subject)

[eatmoreprotein]

I try really hard not to mope all the way home, but it's sort of a lost cause. I have a box full of handmade cards and little gifts from all the kids, and I kept a stiff upper lip until they were all gone, but now I'm sort of crumbling. I knew it was coming since the day I took the job, but I never realized how hard it would be.

The last day of camp is a total bummer.

When I get back home, I'm staring at my own apartment door for a moment before I remember that the dogs are at Bits' place. More importantly, Bits is at Bits' place. I spent so long dealing with things on my own, but I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to hide what I'm feeling, not from him.

So I turn around on knock on his door, and wow, even my knock sounds miserable.

Comments

[eatmoreprotein]

I can see that he's embarrassed and I don't want him to be, so I kiss his warm cheeks and his chin, the corner of his mouth. When he mentions that it's a song, it triggers some sort of memory in the back of my brain, a fractured melody that I can't quite put together.

When he speaks again, my eyes flutter open and I pull back to look at him, smiling softly as I nod. I reach up to push his hair back, thumbing at his temple. "I know, Bits. I want to with you, too. But only when you're really ready. First times are a big deal."

And I want his to be better than mine. Not that it was awful, but-- it could have been better.

[puckandpie]

As long as I've spent in locker rooms over the years, I've heard all kinds of boy talk. Not so much at Samwell where Shitty was always around to snap at guys who got too close to sexist, but still. I know how some guys view sex. I know how I view sex.

There isn't a single part of me that doubts Jack means what he says is the thing. It's been months since we started officially dating and he's been nothing but wonderful the whole time. And patient.

That's probably the biggest turn on of all.

"Do you remember yours?" I ask him, brushing my fingers down the curve of his jaw and neck. He's still laying over me, a heavy, comfortable weight as I let out a low breath. "Was it good?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"I remember," I say quietly. It feels a little awkward to talk about it when we're wrapped up like this, but I'm not going to dodge the question. "It was okay. It wasn't anything special, really. Just a girl I met after joining the Q."

Her name was Katie, and I remember Kent giving me a thumbs up as I took her upstairs during a party. I remember feeling a little weird about it, and the shock I felt at realizing I would have probably rather gone upstairs with Kent.

I did, later. But Katie was the first.

"She was nice, and it was good. But it wasn't anything special," I tell him with a self-conscious shrug. "I wish I would have waited for it to be special."

[puckandpie]

Some part of me wonders if I should feel jealous, if it should bother me that Jack's been with anyone else like he has been with me. Maybe it's because he's older or because he's had so many different experiences than I have, but I'm not, really. And I'm not surprised either. I'd honestly be more surprised if I found out he hadn't done anything with anyone ever.

Then again, maybe there's stuff he hasn't done still.

"Have you, uhm... has it always only been girls?" I ask then because I can't help wondering about Kent Parson, about what I'd overheard in the hall at the Epikegster. It's hard not to feel awkward about all this. It feels like a conversation we should've had earlier, but it feels right in this moment. Maybe we've just been building up to it. "Before now, I mean."

[eatmoreprotein]

The question doesn't really surprise me. It was inevitable, really. I roll to the side, stretching out alongside him and placing my hand on his stomach as I use the other to prop up my head so that I can look at him.

"There was just one guy," I tell him, swallowing hard. And then I continue, because I feel like I should. Bittle deserves the whole story. "It was Kent, back when we were in the Q."

[puckandpie]

It's not surprising, though I still feel like maybe I should be jealous, but if anything, I'm relieved. Partially because Jack trusts me enough to tell me this, but also because it's... well. Jack's never once really made me feel like I'm some sort of experiment or anything, but I've caught myself worried once or twice that it might be subconscious. Or that he's only attracted to me because he knows me better than he knows anyone else here, that it's just because he's comfortable with me.

But knowing he's been with another boy helps that somehow. It might be silly, but. Well. There it is.

Even if it is Kent Parson.

My eyes don't leave his, but I drop a hand to rest it over his where he has it on my stomach, giving a light squeeze. "Did you love him?"

[eatmoreprotein]

I'm not sure how Bits is going to take it, but I'm relieved when he doesn't seem to react badly. His hand goes over mine and I turn it over, threading our fingers together. The question makes me pause, brows furrowing a bit as I think about it.

The thing with Kent is such a jumbled up mess, and whatever it was going to be was cut short by my overdose. Swallowing hard, I shake my head a little and look up at his face. "I cared about him, and maybe things would have been different if--" A sigh escapes me and I shake my head again, bringing our joined hands up to kiss Bits' knuckles. "But no, I don't think it was love. It didn't feel like this."

[puckandpie]

He doesn't have to finish that thought for me to know what he's talking about. It's not a topic we've ever really discussed in full if only because I know it's still hard for Jack a lot of the time. He's leagues better now than he ever was before, I'm sure of that much. But there's no reason to ever make him relive any of that just to calm my curiosity.

But Jack keeps talking and I feel my heart flutter again. We haven't talked about that either. That one word. I've thought about it tons of times, but I've been too scared to say it out loud, but now... that sounds an awful lot like Jack might be thinking about it, too.

"No?" I ask, staring at where his lips are pressed against my knuckles. My voice feels a little shaky. "What's this then? How is it different?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Me and Kent-- I don't know. In some ways we worked, and in some ways we were kind of a mess," I tell him, brow furrowing slightly. "He was a good friend, but it just--"

It's times like these that I wish that I was a little better with words. I did really care about Kent, but it was so far from how I feel about Bittle now. The two can't even be compared. I search and search for the way to put how I'm feeling to words, and I finally settle on something simple, but undeniably true.

"Because I love you," I tell him, heart pounding against my chest as I watch for his reaction. "And I've never felt like this before."

[puckandpie]

Goodness, this boy.

Jack's eyes are huge and locked on mine. He looks about as nervous as I feel, unsure, and scared in a way I've only seen a couple times. It's not like how he looks when he has an episode, it's nothing like that.

"Oh, Jack," I breathe finally, pushing the words past the lump in my throat as I drop his hand so I can roll up enough to push in close, cupping his face with one hand as I press a kiss to his lips. Compared to all the kisses we've shared in the past few months, this one's pretty chaste, but it's insistent, every emotion under my chest just welling up and threatening to spill on over as I pull away just enough to whisper against his lips, "I love you too, Jack Laurent Zimmermann."

[eatmoreprotein]

The way that he says my name has my eyes softening, relaxing the slightest bit. He surges forward and I return the kiss happily, wrapping my arms around him and smiling against his mouth. Everything feels so intense and that's even before he whispers it back to me, sounding so sure of himself that it takes my breath away.

"Eric Richard Bittle," I reply with a soft, fond chuckle as I slide my fingers up into his hair. My heart feels light, fluttering happily as I kiss him again. "Does this mean that I can tell the dogs that you're adopting them?"

[puckandpie]

It's so strange hearing my name like that from Jack. Not just because of the middle name part, but the first, too. I've gotten so used to him calling me Bittle and so many other people here just calling me Bitty. There are only a handful of people who still call me Eric, all of them people I don't really know all that well.

I'm still grinning when he pushes his fingers up into my hair and I keep close, pressing another light kiss to his lips before laughing again. "Pretty sure I adopted them the minute you first brought 'em home," I tell him, smoothing my hand down his neck and along the curve of his collarbone as I slide my knee between his, entangling our legs. "And Elvis already likes you better than me."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Not at all true," I reply, humming softly as his fingers trail along my skin. Wrapping my arms around him, I roll us until Bits is on top of me, blanketing his body with my own. He's a warm, comfortable weight and I let out a content sigh as I slide my hands down his back, eyes shining with mischief as I cup his ass in my hands and give it a good squeeze before sliding them back up his back. I never look away from him, and I couldn't wipe the smile from my face if I tried. "This turned out to be a pretty good day, eh?"

[puckandpie]

I'm probably supposed to find it sort of emasculating the way Jack can just grab me and move me however he feels like it, but mostly it just feels really good every time. He's never forceful and it never hurts, but I can't help but squeak in surprise before I stretch out over him, an arm tucked against the mattress as I lie atop him.

And then squeaking again when he grabs a handful of my butt and squeezes.

"A nice massage and declaration of love," I reply, laughing as I wiggle my hips a little and duck down to bump my nose against his. "What better way to take care of a bad day?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Just what the doctor ordered." I laugh softly at the noises he makes and then let my eye slip shut as he bumps our noses together. When I kiss him, it's soft and slow and I let my lips linger as I breathe in through my nose. I lick into his mouth, just a little, and then spread my thighs so that he can fall between them. I draw my knees up to cradle him between them, and it brings our hips right together in a way that sends a small thrill up my spine.

"You ever realize how perfectly we fit together?" I muse, lazily wrapping one leg around his waist.

[puckandpie]

Jack shifts a little beneath me, one hand still palming my bottom, the other spread against my side before he draws his legs up just a little, bracketing my hips and bringing us closer together, my cock sliding against the perfect little indent of his pelvis, his pressed against my hip.

"Oh, I promise you I have," I tell him with another breathless sort of laugh. He wraps his leg around me waist and, instinctively, I grind down against him. Honestly, I just can't help myself. "Might even say it's kept me up some nights," I add with a quiet smirk. "If you catch my meaning."

[eatmoreprotein]

"God, Bits," I groan out as he shifts against me, proving my point as he rocks against me so perfectly. I squeeze his ass again, fingers dipping into the cleft of it as I drag my eyes open to look at him as he speaks. "Mm, has it really, mon chou?"

He smirks and I feel a little undone, cock thickening against his hip as he moves his lithe, perfect body against mine. "I don't know you mean. Maybe you should show me what you've thought about, babe."

[puckandpie]

It's not so surprising this time to feel the brush of Jack's fingers between my cheeks, but it still makes me gasp again, heat rushing all through me as I grind my hips down again. I swear I can feel him getting harder and I know I am, my cock twitching between us when Jack speaks again, his voice all low and hungry and goodness, I'm so done for.

"Okay," I manage a moment later, a little nervous, but mostly excited as I push up a little so I'm not fully pressed against him, but hovering over him instead.

My eyes catch on his and stay there as I balance my weight on my knees and one hand and reach down with the other. It's a strange feeling, knowing Jack's watching me, strange to be sort of making this a performance. But it's hot, too. I love the weight of his gaze on me, I love how undone he looks already and I bite my bottom lip as I drag my hand down my own stomach and pelvis, fingers grazing through the trimmed curls before I wrap my fingers around myself.

Even expecting the touch, I suck in a breath, squeezing myself tight at the base when I exhale a quiet, "Jack."

[eatmoreprotein]

Bittle sits up, spreading his pale thighs and pressing his ass snugly against his lips, and I watch with rapt attention as he draws his hand down his body. I have to clutch at the sheets as he takes himself in hand, and I let out a shuttering breath when he says my name like that, so soft and sweet.

"Go on," I rasp out, dragging my gaze from his face down to where his fingers are wrapped so firmly around his cock. It's easy to imagine him doing this on his own, while I as foolishly oblivious across the hall. I rest my fingers lightly on his knees, forcing myself not to touch him any more that this. Not yet, anyway. "Keep going, Bits. Show me what I was missing out on."

[puckandpie]

It's sort of an awkward angle at first with my legs still pressed together and him so much taller than me so I do some shifting, moving up to straddle him by the waist so I can hover over him better, my one hand planted against the mattress by his head as I wrap the other around me again and indulge in a single slow stroke.

"Well, I mean," I tell him, hoping I don't look as silly as I feel. "You've-- you've seen all this before."

And it's true. He's seen me naked countless times. And he's touched me.

I keep moving my hand though, stroking slowly from base to tip in just the way I like it best, my breath picking up and falling into a moan as I brush my thumb along the head. "Just maybe-- maybe you haven't seen this? How I touch myself when I'm thinkin' of you."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Yeah, I've never seen you like this," I breathe out, sliding my hands up his thighs as I watch his hand move. I track every movement, watching him touch himself with the same intensity that I'd use to watch tape after a game. Every single movement gets committed to memory, every single twist of his fingers.

"You look amazing," I tell him, pressing my thumbs into the grooves of his hips. "Are you going to come on me, mon chou?"

[puckandpie]

"Oh my God," I groan, immediately sliding my hand down low and holding tight to keep myself from coming all over him then and there.

I have to wait a few seconds, heart pounding in my chest before I can finally open my eyes again, his still dark and wide and locked on mine. His hands are on my hips, holding me in place and, carefully, I start moving my hand again, letting out a shaky breath before I manage a nod. "Is that-- Do you want me to?"

[eatmoreprotein]

"Yes, I want you to," I gasp out, pupils blown wide as I watch his face. It's amazing just how much I want to feel his come against my skin, and I have to squeeze his hips more tightly to keep from making it happen. I want him to do it himself, so I can see. "My face, or my chest. On my cock. Wherever you want, Bits."

The words fall from my mouth before I can even think too hard about them, filthy and raw and I mean every single syllable. I want it so badly that I can barely even think, and my own cock twitches where it's pressed snugly against his ass.

[puckandpie]

"On your-- oh my goodness."

I have to close my eyes again, overwhelmed just thinking about it, how that might look, my come on his skin, stuck in the hair of his groin, dripping down his hard length. It's so absolutely filthy, so hot, that I'm dizzy just thinking about it.

His cock twitch beneath me and my breath catches again before I shift forward a little so I'm straddling his waist, lifting up a bit so my weight isn't on him as I work my hand faster. "I think if I-- If I did that--" It's a little difficult to talk and touch myself at the same time and I'm a nervous about what I'm about to say, but something in that hungry look on Jack's face just spurs me on. "On-- On your cock, I'd. God, Jack, I'd want to lick it off you. Just... Just suck my come off your dick."

[eatmoreprotein]

"Jesus," I breathe out, uttering a filthy string of French curses as I arch up enough to nearly lift him off of the bed before I drop back down onto it, squirming a little. I'm not sure that I've ever been so turned on, but that's no surprise. Bittle has made me feel so many things that I've never felt before, including being so turned on that I feel like my body isn't even my own.

My toes curl and my chest heaves and I cling to him like a lifeline, eyes wide as I stare up at him. "Bitty, please. Please."